Right now I'm having some hard times. We all go through them. Sometimes trials come from no fault of our own and there's nothing we can do about it, and sometimes our stupidity and human flaws cause these hard things for us. This time I think my own hardheadedness has gotten in the way of things going well for me. I can't help but feel very strongly that because I am unwilling to let go of certain feelings, unpleasant things are happening to help me learn. Things that are affecting not only me but many around me. I may not be the only reason for this trial, but I still feel that my mistakes are part of it.
I want to make excuses. I want to point fingers and blame others. But I can't shy away from those three fingers pointing back at me. When it comes to unwanted situations, I don't want to carry the responsibility of the blame. I don't want to have to deal with the fact that it's my fault. But no matter what, any situation I am in, good or bad, is my fault. My natural desire is for that to not be the case; but it is. I know we are here on this earth to overcome the natural and obtain the glorious. I naturally want to push off my duty and hide, but in my heart I spiritually desire to do right. What I want most is to be like God. My greatest fear is that at the last day I will finally be kept from the presence of my loving Heavenly Father. I don't ever want to not be with Him.
I had a dream about 7 years ago that I have shared with some people to whom I have been inspired to tell it. One thing about it I can tell anyone: in that dream I was shown a small fraction of how it feels to truly be touched by God and His love. It is a feeling I never want to lose.
And yet, though I possess this wonderful memory, I do not feel that. I cannot sense His love as strongly or as often as I wish I did. There was a time not too long ago when I never felt His absence; His Spirit was with me constantly. But because of human nature and mortal life I have lost that. I have lost it; but I can find it again. I will find it again. I will work and pray and ask God to come back for me. I will not allow myself to fall behind. I will pick myself up and move forward. I know that Heavenly Father will help me as soon as I put in enough effort. I will not allow myself to become discouraged any longer. I will cease to be faithful in word only. As Elder L. Whitney Clayton said, "[My] actions are the evidence of [my] belief."* "You cannot become without doing."**
I will do. I will act. My life will be better and closer to God. Someone I greatly admire once said that he "patterns his life after his example of love and sacrifice." I will follow his example and do the same. My example (and probably his as well) is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
The other day I was able to learn a bit more about the life of Joan of Arc. The two years from the time she told of her divine calling to her death were truly in similitude of the Savior's life. As I watched the story of Joan, I could not help but feel that I am not much different from she. I have a mission. I have a purpose. I do not yet know exactly what it is I am meant to do, but I am working to be able to communicate with God as she did. I pray that I will one day be as close to the Lord as she. I believe that if I work for it, that dream will someday be realized.
*Actual quote: "Our actions are the evidence of our belief."
**A quote from President Brad Bylund, President of the Goshen Utah Stake.
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